Let me be the first to say it – i have a major attitude problem. I feel as though the world is attacking me for some strange reason, and i can’t understand what i’ve done to deserve it. I’ve done nothing. Which is, funnily enough, EXACTLY THE PROBLEM. I wait for life to make things happen for me.
I have a tendency to blame the things around me for my bad luck. Mainly the planets. I didn’t believe in it at first and definitely took the piss a little bit, but now i’m fully converted and definitely believe they hold some sort of power over us.
Max likes to take the piss out of me for this but i swear, mercury retrograde likes to fuck me up. Honestly, for the entirety of the latest retrograde, i felt so low in terms of motivation and so unhappy and as soon as we were out of it, i was back to normal.
However, i am now using this as an excuse for my laziness. I’m justifying not doing anything and trying to make myself feel better about it. It’s a really bad habit that i’m trying to break, but it’s hard.
Realising that i pass blame for my own problems to things outwith my control makes me feel better about my bad luck. But it doesn’t solve any of the problems and i’m trying to shift my own mindset to something a little healthier.
The universe is not to blame for me not being able to find a job. In all honesty, my heart isn’t in it. I’m desperate to be full time with Instagram but i feel like it’s so unattainable that i’m applying for jobs on the side for stability.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing – regular money to pay my bills each month would be ideal and save me a lot of anxiety. But how am i going to see results if i keep going between a million different ideas?
I was speaking to Zoe last week, and she said i just need to give up and focus on my blog and growing my income from that. With Japan coming up, i can’t attend any interviews for a little while anyway, so it feels like the perfect time to push myself.
Although, i said that when i got fired. I was like “oh, this is the perfect opportunity to push myself and see if i can go full time!”. It did not work. I wasn’t motivated enough, which is stupid because doing this full-time would change my life.
So, in 2020, i am going to stop making stupid excuses. I am going to deal with the consequences of not being motivated and accept it as a flaw within myself instead of blaming it on something stupid.
It’s true that sometimes life doesn’t go your way, but i definitely think you can control it to some extent. I’ve been feeling like i’m in the midst of a bout of ‘bad luck’, which i do still believe, but i have to stop dwelling on it.
I hold the belief that whatever you put out into the universe, you get back. I’ve been a bit negative recently and so i think i’m focusing more on the negative things that happen to me instead of learning to appreciate the positive.
If you are negative, you will only see the negative, but if you think more positively, you will find a lot more positivity in your life.