I’ve hit a bit of a crossroads. I wanted to give myself a time limit to decide on my next move, so i wouldn’t get complacent and lose all drive to achieve anything with my life. That deadline is January.
It sounds like it’s far away – 2020. Next year! But this year is wasting away as we speak and i’m running out of time. Before i know it, it’ll be New Year and with that new year, comes a new life. Hopefully.
The issue i’m having is actually making the bloody decision. I can’t do it. I keep floating through various ideas, reluctant to stick with one because the thought of actually deciding is too daunting.
I’ve pretty much always struggled to make decisions. Whether it’s something as tiny as where to go for dinner, or what to study at university, i feel like i just want someone else to make the choice for me because i have no idea.
Kind of like Rachel when she tells Monica she has to make all her decisions for her because she keeps making the wrong ones. That’s what i need.
It’s not as though i feel like i’ve made all the wrong choices, though. I’m very much of the view that everything happens for a reason and if you change even what time you left the house one day, everything would be different.
I don’t wish i was anywhere else. I don’t wish i still worked in marketing or retail, i don’t wish i never got fired. I’m thankful for all these experiences because they make me, me. I just don’t know what me wants next.
The part that scares me is that my future is wide open. I could do just about anything i wanted and it’s the most daunting thought ever. I’ve been through almost every viable option in my head.
I could go to university. I could study something i love or develop my marketing skills. Probably not as i still don’t really like marketing.
I could throw myself into content creation and try to take it full time. Send out loads of emails, make sure i’m taking really high quality images, and earn money that way.
I could move overseas and start a new life elsewhere. Again, probably not because i wouldn’t go without Max and he doesn’t finish uni for another year.
There’s a lot of decisions to be made and i have no idea which one to pick. I’m leaning more towards one than any of the others but actually doing it is a whole other story. I wish i could live in a little ignorant bubble forever.
It just feels like life is happening a bit too quickly for my liking. I was so happy being in my little unemployed bubble because i knew i had enough money to cover bills that month, but now the safety blanket is non-existent.
I have to make decisions and i have to make them quickly, but they feel so huge that i just keep putting them off. It feels a little like i’m in limbo and i’m waiting for my real life to start, but i’m not sure how i can make it happen.
It was nice to just do a classic Lauren “i don’t know what the fuck is going on someone help me” rambly post. I promise the next one will be a little more put together and well thought out.
In the meantime, if anyone wants to completely dictate my life and tell me what i want to do, that would be fab. Seriously. I am so lost.