Don’t you think it seems like almost everyone has a purpose except you? That girl you went to school with is a primary teacher now. It’s no surprise, she was always good with kids. Your boyfriend is approaching his final year of his product design degree. He’s always loved making things so it felt like a natural path. But what about the rest of us?
I go through stages of being a bit distressed over my life & career. I’ve never really known what i wanted to do, and although my mums says that isn’t a bad thing, i can’t help but feel like it’s holding me back. If i can’t decide what i want to do with my life, i have no idea how to even start getting there.
An ongoing crisis in my mind is that i want to do something helpful. I want to help people in some way and i never feel like the jobs i have do enough. It’s hard to shake the feeling that nothing i do will ever make an impact. I think that’s why i try so hard with my blog; i try to be as open and honest as i can be at this stage in my life, but even that feels like it’s not enough.
And then i start to think, what if there’s nothing?
What if there is genuinely no job that i enjoy enough to make it my career? I fear for this every single day. I don’t know what i would dedicate my life to. I need money, and i don’t want to be a stay at home housewife or mum, it’s not like me to rely on other people.
There’s always someone who’s doing better, someone who seems to have it all figured out and someone who will always be more open and honest than me. It’s a hard pill to swallow and makes defining my USPs even harder than it is normally. I genuinely feel like “what is the point?” on a daily basis.
This isn’t even a new issue, i wrote a very similar post titled I Don’t Know What I’m Doing probably about a year ago, and now i’m sat here writing it again. I think it’s a clear sign that i need something to change, something in my life is just not working for me and is making me feel really unfulfilled.
I can feel some comfort in knowing that i’m having this kind of crisis at 21. I’m still so young, and now is the time to explore a little and figure out exactly what i’m all about. It feels like 30 is roughly the cutoff for being in a ‘career’ instead of just ‘jobs’ (if you get where i’m coming from) so i have a lot of time. And if i don’t have it figured out by then, so what?
The next steps feel a little fuzzy, for sure. I don’t know what i want to do. That’s a given – probably the only one. My plan is to wait until Max has finished uni, which i don’t normally say to anyone because of the judgement. It’s not as if i’m putting my life on hold for him, but we work best as a team.
I thrive when Max is there to cheer me on, and vice versa. It just makes sense to support each other in our careers no matter what they are or where they take us. Given that i don’t really have a set career yet, i’m happy to go wherever he ends up. That gives me a year.
I’m going to put my all into this platform – my blog, my instagram, maybe even YouTube. It would be so incredible if, in a year, i could take this full-time and i wouldn’t have to worry about finding a job wherever we move to. I think that is a VERY big dream though, and i don’t know how realistic it is.