Today I’ve decided to go for a thing that’s a little more word-y than usual. I don’t really do these because talking about beauty products is my forte and when I try to do lifestyle posts they just end up a giant jumble of thoughts and there’s no structure to it whatsoever. But I want to do more lifestyle type posts in 2017 because I feel like I don’t post about myself enough on my blog which is a bit silly quite frankly. So here you go, have a mess of very disjointed thoughts on how I feel about change.
I struggle a lot with the concept of change and not having my little comforts around me; I like routine and when I’m faced with the possibility of that routine diminishing, it affects me more than it would the regular person. I’m so used to having the same job and even though I hate it, leaving it for something else will be one of the scariest things ever. I’ve worked there for 2 years and although I’m more than ready to leave and the thought of having a job I dont have to wear ugly flared trousers to is really exciting, it’s also terrifying and thinking about it makes my anxiety go mad. Which is silly because I’m going to have to deal with it very soon, given it’s one of my goals for this year.
You may or may not have noticed that my Blogmas attempt fell a little short this year – I made it to day 15 (I think) and that was about it. I did have plenty of ideas but my motivation fell short as I stumbled into a bit of a mental health funk. I just decided there was no point stressing myself out further over trying to get a post up every day and making myself feel worse than I already did. Better luck this year though right? I guess I better start writing and scheduling the posts now. I still have my Christmas decs up…
The reason why I got so stressed out was because I was just overthinking everything that was going to happen this year. And when I get stressed and anxious I tend to feel extremely sick – I was actually sent home from work because of it. It was actually a massive wake up call for me, I should not have been worrying to the extent that I couldn’t work. So I took a day to recover and was sent off to work again with some shiny new calming tablets and a whole new mindset. Of course, I still worry about everything changing and although things are pretty shit right now, what if this is as good as it’s gonna get? Bleak outlook, I know.
I worry that things will change for other people and not for me – it already feels like everyone else is so much better off than I am which is really toxic thinking and I urge people not to think like me. I am actively trying to change the things that make me unhappy but that doesn’t seem to help with my thinking nothing will change; I’m scared of it yet I need it. I’m worried things will get worse if they do change. But none of this is helping, if anything it’s just making matters worse, so I’m trying my hardest to think positively and constantly remind myself that change is a good thing!
We need change in order to progress in life, or else it just gets dull and we lose interest in a lot of things. I know I’ve certainly been miserable due how mundane my life has felt recently, so a change of scenery and of profession is a good thing. I’m hoping for a change of living situation but that’s if I were to aim really high. Praying for a change of money situation – I would like more of it. I’d like to change my blog, I want to progress more with my photography and thoughts and ideas. I want to change my mindset about life. I’m crazy motivated to make all these things happen and this is the year I’m gonna do it. Providing my anxiety doesn’t cause another meltdown. But we’re not thinkin’ about that anymore.
I hope you didn’t mind this little ramble – just some things I wanted to get off my chest. Hopefully there’s gonna be so more of these little personal posts, I waffle on a lot about my favourite beauty products or what I wore last week, but I never actually sit and write out genuine thoughts. I’m not sure if I enjoyed it yet. Everything still feels too disjointed in my head and doesn’t link up when I write it out. But hey-ho, I gave it my best shot!