When I was younger

When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. I had a childhood dream and a vision of my life when I was older – I didn’t want to be an astronaut, I didn’t want to be famous, I just wanted to write books. I wanted to create stories and characters that I would’ve loved to read, and plots that made me feel like I was walking alongside them.

A lot of my time when I was younger was spent reading. My dad bought me the ‘classics’ (Wuthering Heights, Jayne Eyre and Pride & Prejudice) when I was 11 to spur me on. I still haven’t read them. Reading aloud to myself was a favourite hobby of mine, which is kinda weird I will admit. It was always Alice in Wonderland, which I never thought of as my favourite book until now. It’s also the only audio-book I’ve ever listened to. I was also extremely fond of The Secret Garden and The Little Princess; I read those books countless amounts of times and still have the original ones I was given when I was 8. I have such a clear vision of these stories in my head that I forget whether or not they were actually made into films, or whether it’s my own perception of the places and people described that I’m envisioning.

My all-time favourite author and the woman who inspired me most as I was growing up was Jacqueline Wilson. Her writing and stories always inspired me, as they did with every single younger person out there. She had a way of writing that appealed perfectly to my age group and I don’t trust anyone that hasn’t read at least one of her books. I would say it was her that started my dream of wanting to be a writer. They always say you shouldn’t meet your heroes for fear of disappointment, but she absolutely did not disappoint. I can barely remember it as it was such a blur and so long ago, but she did a talk at a book festival that I attended. I still have the ticket, tucked away in a little scrapbook somewhere, and a vague memory of her sitting in front of me. I can’t, for the life of me, remember what she spoke about, which book release it was, but I’m still thankful to have that memory.

I won a fair few competitions for my writing when I was younger (which my mother kindly likes to remind me of), some for poetry and some for short stories. My parents keep the printed out versions of every story, and a copy of every magazine my stories or poems have been featured in. They pulled them out to show Max one time, and I remember being absolutely mortified at the thought of him reading my ‘Santa Snores’ story, the plot to which I’ve blocked out after it winning first prize in a Christmas story writing competition. Only 3 people entered but still. My mum still sends me links to writing competitions all the time, mostly to win a holiday that I can take her on, but to encourage my writing as well.

It makes me sad that I lost my passion for story writing after it being such an important part of my childhood.

I’m quick to blame high school for this loss of passion, which I think is a fair conclusion. I thrived in primary school, where English lessons were all about writing stories that we could then act out in drama. I always have and always will struggle to keep diaries or journals, but I still think back to my Primary 6 World War 2 diary project with fondness and jealousy that I’m not still writing it. I could write an 8 page story in one lesson, about an hour and a half, with ease. They even pinned it up on the wall even though it took up most of the space – it was about a girl called Maia who experienced an earthquake. It wasn’t exactly a mind-bending piece of work, there was no real plot to it at all but I got into the ‘zone’ and just kept on writing. High school took away that love and crazy imagination and drilled the ‘perfect’ essay writing technique into you instead. Writing about real life was boring.

I still haven’t recovered my love for writing. The last story I wrote was for my English portfolio in my second last year of high school. It was based around Jack the Ripper, from the perspective of one of his last victims. I was ridiculously excited about this idea and was planning near enough an entire novel before being hit with the word limit and my teacher started picking apart the plot. By the time it was sent off for marking, I was left with a shadow of the original idea and it no longer felt like my story. Since then, I’ve had no drive to create any stories at all. I feel like my 10 year old self is looking at me like, really?! This is the same girl who could write 8 pages about nothing?

The actual process of becoming an author seemed so simple when I was younger; you write a story and it gets published. Job done. Now I’m definitely a lot more aware of how difficult it really is to be a published author, and I’m wishing I could just pull the wool back down over my eyes and live in blissful ignorance of the real world. Ideas are rare, for me especially, and time to write is even rarer. I’m constantly reminding myself of the fact that all the plot ideas I could come up with have likely already been created, and although each author has their own take on a story, it’s still very disheartening.

I’m trying to be a lot more positive thinking towards it now, because I’m at a point where I need to think about what I want to do and accomplish in my life. It’s like blogging – every single blog post topic has probably now been covered. There’s a million and one bloggers producing regular content – any idea you have will have been done in some shape or form before. It wouldn’t be difficult to slip into that same mindset of ‘what is the point in trying’, but we don’t. Because every blogger is unique, and therefore every post is different, so it rarely feels like you’re reading the same thing. Unless it’s been copied and pasted. But that’s another issue.

Writing was my dream for so long. Although I now have a creative outlet where I can write, in the form of my blog, it’s not in the style that I fell in love with when I was younger. My imagination and thinking of all the possibilities of what I could do are too vast for me to just be one thing. I could never just be a blogger or just be a digital marketer.

I want to write again, and the only thing stopping me is myself.

What was your childhood dream?

Follow:

8 Comments

  1. February 21, 2018 / 8:42 pm

    omg Jaqueline Wilson was my favourite too, my mum used to take me to the shopping centre every time a new one came out, Candyfloss had to be my favourite and The Girls in Love series made me want to be a teen so bad ahaha xox

  2. February 22, 2018 / 1:09 pm

    This is so like me – I always wanted to be an author when I was younger (and still do really) but I’m a bit rubbish at doing anything about it. Every now and then I’ll have an idea and start writing but I never finish because I lose faith in my ideas every time! I also used to read aloud to myself, definitely thought I was the only person who did that haha!
    Amy xx
    callmeamy.co.uk

  3. February 22, 2018 / 6:08 pm

    I still have all my Jacqueline Wilson books from when I was younger and still very enjoy reading them now. I remember screaming when I found out she taught at my university…and even more when I got to spend an evening talking about feminism, writing and children’s literature with her and a few other students. I always wanted to be a spy…not the James Bond style but the ones that sit there and crack codes and plan everything and in order to get into you had to be amazing at maths, which I was until year 10 of secondary school when I just developed math anxiety and lost all faith in myself. So I decided to pursue dance…which hasn’t worked out and I’m finishing my degree without my love and passion for dance that I once had, not knowing where I really want to head. Sure I’d love to take blogging full-time but is it realistic? Or should I get a normal job and just keep it as a hobby? I think we are constantly changing our minds about what we want in life, growing and learning new skills as we go.

  4. February 22, 2018 / 10:38 pm

    I love this post so much & also I relate to everything you said completely! Writing used to be so so important to me when I was a lot younger but thanks to school I also lost sight of everything I enjoyed about it – it’s only in the last year that my passion for writing and creating stories has returned so hopefully yours will too!

    Eloise x

  5. Charlotte
    February 23, 2018 / 1:20 pm

    I can relate to this so much. As a child, my head was always in a book or writing pages worth of stories, with no pressure as to where they went or what would happened when I finished them, it was simple, just write another. Now, it’s almost like we can’t do anything without justifying it or having a goal in mind. Nothing can be done for the fun of it, there’s always pressure to prove ourselves. I have recently given myself a slap and started writing but I’m scared once again with what happens when I finish. What happens if it’s rubbish, what then? But it’s silly. Sometimes you just have to lock yourself away for an hour with a blank piece of paper or screen, and just write without expectation. I truly, truly hope you manage to start writing again, good luck!
    my20staughtme.wordpress.com

  6. February 26, 2018 / 1:54 pm

    I completely identify with this – I was also incredibly into creative writing, poetry, story writing (and telling!) when I was young, but after around Year 9 I don’t think we were set any more creative writing tasks at school, and I didn’t continue on my own. I’d love to get back into it too, and have seriously thought about taking an evening class to get me started! I hope you manage to find your passion again πŸ™‚

  7. March 3, 2018 / 6:38 pm

    I can relate to everything you said here! I also wanted to be an author and wrote probably about twenty different “novels” up until I turned maybe 19? I did a Creative Writing degree at university and it sucked all the passion I had for it out of me, because everything I turned it was criticised to bits and picked apart by professors. I wish I still had that love of writing and I’m just waiting for that spark to flicker back into life!

    Juliet | notcapulet.co.uk

  8. March 27, 2018 / 3:48 pm

    Thank you so much for posting this! I have a similar dilemma to you. I wrote all throughout high school and was dead set on getting an English degree afterwards. It wasn’t until I finished high school, and I felt so burnt out I went in the opposite direction and wanted nothing to do with writing. I still adore writing of course, I just feel like I’ve gotten out of the groove of doing it on a daily/weekly basis since taking a break of it after school. It’s like I have crazy procrastination/writers block going on. It’s hard when you’re so sure of what you want to do for the next 20 years of your life for so long, and within a matter of a few days, it changes and you’re questioning what to do with yourself now. Thank you for the great read! πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *