University wasn’t right for me, and that’s okay

I had an unremarkable childhood – it was normal, I went to primary school and I enjoyed it, I went to high school and I hated it. I assumed university was the next choice, as that’s just what’s done. You do the whole education thing and then, when you’re in your mid twenties after leaving university, that’s when you decide what to really do with your life. I did not expect for me to stray from the beaten path and create a whole new one for myself, but I’ve now come to realise, so what?!

University is heavily pushed on all of us growing up. Most of us plan for it, some of us will go, and some of us will finish our courses. I didn’t know other options existed outside of working in a moderately unskilled job that would make me very unhappy for my whole life. It feels really silly of me now to think I had no other options – it was 2016 at the time and I was still convincing myself that university was what I wanted, even after well over a year of being out of education.

I was reluctant to admit to myself or anyone else that maybe I didn’t want this – I was just going to grin and bear it for the whole 4 years.

The first warning bells for me were not actually knowing what I wanted to go and study. My mum used to say to me – “if you could picture yourself in any job in the world, even if it’s not a ‘real’ job, what would it be?” I couldn’t answer her. Without a final destination, creating your path is substantially trickier. I started off at psychology, peaked with journalism, and ended on primary teaching. 3 almost completely unrelated courses that I was plucking from thin air to try and convince myself and everyone else that I knew where I wanted to go. This spanned across 2 years and 2 separate UCAS applications, plus an unsuccessful attempt at Clearing. I think I was more upset at the thought of staying in my demeaning job than not getting to to university that year.

It wasn’t until the whole situation started to take a toll on my mental and physical health that I decided to admit to myself that I wasn’t okay with this. I had accepted a place at the University of Edinburgh to study primary teaching, swapped it to Strathclyde University in Glasgow, and had applied for accommodation. I was accepted into my first choice halls and went up to visit the campus with my mum one month – I genuinely thought I was excited. Of course I was scared, I think most people are, but I finally had a somewhat clear future plan in mind and it was all happening.

After visiting the university, I started to get ill. I was sent home from work a lot and stayed home a lot because of nausea, which my mum and I mistakenly blamed on the antibiotics I was on for my acne. This was my first experience with my anxiety as I know it now – the debilitating nausea and fever monster that leaves me bedridden. We made a doctors appointment ASAP, and although I’ve not had a good experience with doctors in the past, this guy was incredible and didn’t make me feel like I was wasting his time. He informed me that it couldn’t be the antibiotics, I’d been on them too long for the nausea to be a side-effect. I took a pregnancy test and everything came back clear – which was when he mentioned anxiety.

It was like this curtain had been lifted from my brain and everything made sense. It happened after the uni visit, which must have made my brain aware that this was really happening, but I was none the wiser to these feelings of dread and intense anxiety. I did a lot of thinking after that, I could suck it up and go because everyone gets anxious before uni, right? I didn’t even know what I would do if I didn’t go, so really I should go. But the more I thought about the process of actually going and sitting and being taught things, the stronger the nausea got. I’m eternally thankful for my parents being so supportive of this decision, because I know some people wouldn’t be so lucky. They supported me no matter what and after seeing how ill I was making myself, we all knew withdrawing from Strathclyde was my best course of action.

It was one of the only big life decisions I’ve ever had to make for myself, but now I absolutely know it was the right one. I did have FOMO for a while, as I saw my friends and boyfriend go off to university and make loads of new friends and progress their careers, I was jealous and upset that I couldn’t do that. It took me until going to do a college course with my Apprenticeship (more on that later) that I knew I had made the right decision.

Long story short: I bloody hate being in education. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love learning and I thrive off gaining new skills, I just hate being in a classroom. I hate being taught, I hate sitting and having to listen and wait for the whole group to catch up before we can move on. I’ve always been a quick learner and it doesn’t take me long at all to pick it up; I also have a habit of accidentally self teaching a lot of things, so most of the time I go faster than the tutor. I just don’t thrive in a classroom setting, I hate being told what to do and I do believe that if I had gone to university, I would’ve dropped out not long after.

Self-trust is important, no-one knows you better than yourself so trusting the decisions you make is essential.

What’s the biggest decision you’ve ever had to make for yourself?

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7 Comments

  1. February 2, 2018 / 11:46 am

    This was such a nice read. University is such a big decision to make and I do think, especially in Scotland, it is heavily pressured from schools. I have ended up in university myself but I’m in first year aged 20. I could never have went at age 17/18 and if I had I would probably have dropped out. It sounds like you’ve chosen the right thing for yourself!

  2. February 2, 2018 / 1:47 pm

    So many people need to realize that college isn’t the ONLY right path!!! In fact, I’m in the process of deciding whether or not I’m in the right place & currently studying for the same as you were 🙈💗Hopefully I can make the right decision for me as well 😊

  3. February 2, 2018 / 7:04 pm

    Going to university and that being the ‘natural next step’ is definitely something that is pushed a lot! And it’s so frowned upon when people haven’t gone to uni for whatever reason, which I think is totally not okay. If you have or haven’t gone to uni, everyone can have a great career no matter what so it really shouldn’t be treated like this anymore and should be seen as an optional next step.

    Sarah
    https://sarahaurorax.com/

  4. Hannah
    February 2, 2018 / 7:22 pm

    Thank you for posting something so honest and insightful. I can relate a lot to this – I’m currently in the same position you were in, every time I get ready to go to class I feel like I’m going to be sick with anxiety, but I push myself because I feel like I have no other option for this year. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life but hopefully I can figure it out like you did. I’m glad to read that I’m not alone in this and that it’s okay. You’re very inspiring. Keep up the good work girl 💕

  5. February 5, 2018 / 12:49 pm

    I have decided to study my bachelor online starting in September; I really don’t see myself going to Uni. So It will be the occasion for me to continue studying, focus on my studies but on myself at the same time. I also want to focus on the development of my blog in order to transform this into a leaving, if I can.

    I hope you achieve all your dreams and have an amazing time. Check out my blog justfrenchie.com

  6. February 5, 2018 / 1:05 pm

    Girl, it’s actually like you’re my soul sister! Not even kidding, this exact thing happened to me too! And in 2016 as well! I got into my uni of choice and then decided it wasn’t the right decision for me and now I’ve just completed my digital marketing apprenticeship and it’s been the best year of my life! xx
    http://www.imjustagirl16.co.uk

  7. February 7, 2018 / 1:16 pm

    This is such a wonderful post, even though my life followed the expected path that yours didn’t. I’m in my last year of university, and I’ve found that it’s helped me gain a sense of independence and helped me deal with my anxiety and depression. But I also knew what I wanted to do and that it was something I was passionate about which I think makes all the difference too. In my eyes, you’re one of the most successful people I follow and I admire your honesty, determination and understanding of yourself to know what was right for you and what wasn’t. This is such a refreshing read x

    Rachel // kyvbey.blogspot.com

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